Ahh It's now the time of the year for reflection

I find that the time of year from around Thanksgiving until after the holidays in January is always a time for intense reflection for me. Usually now I think about my personal goals that I set at the beginning of the year and how close I am to achieving them.

This year was the first time in a long time that I actually achieved my New Year's Resolutions. Rather than the usual boring resolutions of eat less and excercise more, I decided this would be a year of sweeping life changes in a positive direction for me. And that's exactly what happened. If you want something bad enough and you envision happening it will happen. Anyway back to my sweeping life changes since last January. My desire to change my life has helped me to lose 20 pounds, develop a lot more self-confidence which helped me to look and feel years younger. Start my own business, though I really didn't take it seriously until the last month or two.

The most siginificant and positive change in my life was getting a divorce. Someone told me that if the woman is the one to throw the man out it's very freeing and enpowering as a opposed to when the man wants it. I don't think it could be anymore true then it is in my case. I feel that my divorce rather than depress me or bring negativity to my life, it's built my self-confidence and taught me how to love myself again. I didn't trully realize how postive a change it was in my life until I found out my divorce was finalized earlier this week. It was a weird feeling to be totally exhilirated to actually be single again, but at same time feel a little guilty to not feel guilty that it's totally over.

My divorce as actually enpowered me to accept it's time to move on, and be open to new relationships. I'm not actually looking for it, but if one comes my way and it's the right person i'm willing to go for it. For the first time I'm really looking forward to dating and meeting new people. I think hearing that the divore was final, was what finally made it ok to move on. A couple of weeks ago I joined eharmony, but I wasn't comfortable to really to start emailing people on the website until the divorce was final. I guess I just needed that last push, i don't really think was really an emotional attachment, or even a mental attachment. Maybe it just can't be explained.

To blog or not to blog that is the question?

Disclaimer: As you probably already guessed by the title I have no clue what I'm about ready to blog about. I felt like blogging and my mind was drawing a blank as to a topic. I guess this is one of those stream of consciousness thingies.

Hmmm, I guess being that tomorrow is thanksgiving I should be reflecting upon my life and where it's headed, yadda, yadda, yadda. But it seems that I've been doing that a lot lately, and to be quite frank and honest it's starting to get a little old. I guess I could think about all things I'm grateful for in my life, but to be honest you really should do that everyday. If you wait for a holiday to be grateful for all the wonderful things in your life are you really every gonna be happy. If you don't think about what's wondeful and special in your life everyday you'll wind pretty miserable and negative. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy people in the world. Maybe it's because they only wait for special days like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays to appreciate everything that is special in their lives. The only thing worse than that are the people that don't even reflect upon that on special holidays. Wow, even thinking about people like that makes my head hurt, I can't imagine if I actually thought that way myself. I never really was that bad myself, but I never really was one those people that appreciated the everyday greatness of just being alive and appreciating life. And I guess I realize that's what I appreciate the most about all this "reflecting" I've done this past year, is that I trully just love living life, now. I don't mean to sound all sappy and shit, but until it happened to me I didn't realize how important it is. But after all what is the point of being alive, if you don't trully love being alive. What would be the point? You would kinda just be a shell, another empty soul wandering the planet. After all don't all the people who go out there and really do great things love living life. How could you ever accomplish anything if you don't?

Sometimes You have to Be Careful What You Wish For

I'm starting to realize that there are reasons why they say you should be careful what you wish for. Growing up I was never really the type of girl that boys with throw themselves at and fawn over. In Junior high school and parts of high school I wasn't exactly a geek, but I wasn't one of the popular kids. I was one of the girls that didn't develop right way, growing up I related to the story of the ugly duckling. In junior high I had a mouth full of mental, and you know those big heavy plasic framed glasses (they didn't have the cool ones then that they have now). I've heard every short joke in the world. In high school I was one the guys, I would hear them talk about the girls in school they would gawk over the girls over the big chests. It was never me, in fact one of my guy friends used to call me A cup, for many years I was tramatized. In college I was not the girl that had dates lined up every friday and saturday night.

Needless to say for many years I wished to be the one that the guys will fall all over, you know stare out in the street, you know the woman that men would get into three car pile ups just to stare out. Now that I'm a little older, and more attractive ( though now that I think about it's probably just that I have a lot more self-confidence) it happens from time to time. Now I still haven't caused any three car pile ups, but often enough I catch them staring at me in that arkward way on the subway, the street or whatever. And I must say now that it happens from time to time I find it pretty it very disturbing which really surprised me at first. But then I just realized why, there are two main reasons, and they don't both apply to every guy. One reason is that some of these men see women as trophies, you can tell because they are the biggest gawkers and they are just staring at your boobs and i'm not big chested by any means. The second reason which I find very disturbing is that some men feel I would be unapproachable, which I just can't understand. I see myself as easy to talk to. And besides the little girl inside that was called A cup is just shocked by it all. So long story be careful what you wish for.

The Changing of the Seasons

One of the things I love most about the weather in New York is watching seasons change. It makes dealing with the hot summers and cold winters worth it. I appreciate it most now as I watch the last few leaves that are left change colors, and I know all we need is one more really big rainstorm and all the trees will be bare. Right now I'm thinking about all the great things about fall the way the leaves change color, and the way then crunch under your feet. Enjoying the last few days of nice weather before we after bundle up for the long stretch to thawing out in the spring. The scent of the fireplaces down the block on the first chilly night. That first taste of hot chocolate on the first cold evening. I miss when I was a little kid and I would jump in a big pile of leaves. I guess I could still do it, but I would feel pretty silly doing it.

Sometimes all it takes is one glance

Have you ever felt like someone touches the very essense of your soul with one look? All it takes is one intense glance and they can feel your thoughts. Without exchanging one word they can tell exactly what's on your mind, what your soul feels like, the pangs you feel in your heart. Sometimes you feel like they are connected to you in away you will never understand.

They can make your stomach flip flop, your heart race and your knees weak, and all they have to do is stand within 20 feet. That feeling is all you've always wanted from someone, but the thought of it there now scares the heck out of you. You wish you could reach out for it but fear grabs such a tight hold on you. Never before have you felt such an intense fear, fear of giving up part of your soul, your heart that you've never given before. For the first time you accept that what you thought was being in love wasn't, that it was being in love with love. Because you realize nobody's ever touched your very soul before. Never before have you had such an intense feeling of longing. Aching to touch someone, kiss them, no what it's like to be held in their arms.

hmmm reflections of life

Lately I have been doing lots of thinking, you know about life where I've been, done and where I am headed. I'm naturally a very introspective person, so if you are reading my blogs you'll be reading a lot of these types of blogs. Anyways I was just warning you because if you reading this because you've like randomly found while you bored and googling I figured I should let you know. And if that's true, god you need to get a life, I know i'm entertaining and witty and all that but still you really need to get a life.

Now that i've done lots of random rambling, let me ramble about what started this blog to ramble about. Anyway I was thinking about how lately I have become so obsessed with blogging, and I couldn't help but wonder why. I haven't written in a journal in ages. But I was looking back you know, i'm sure you've done it too, to back in high school and sometimes even in college. When I was bored in class I would start to write, back then I wanted to write the great american novel. I would always write about a page and then get disgusted and scratch it out and start over again. A couple of times a teacher caught me writing and thought I was doing the next day's homework or even homework for another class. I never corrected them thinking it was at least better thinking that I was being at least somewhat studious.

I never majored in writing in college, in fact I never really thought about it. I loved history and I thought about majoring in that but I didn't want to be a teacher and I wanted to focus more on something that could be better equipped for getting a job with. I wound up majoring in advertising in college, because I always love commericals. When I was a little kid I would love just as much to watch the saturday morning cereal and toy ads almost as much as the cartoons. As I got older I would watch superbowls for the programming, I never really could follow football, it wasn't that it was too hard to follow or anything like that, to me it just wasn't entaining as the commericals. Bud-weis-err was just better to me. Anyway there i go getting sidetracked again. Anyway I decided I would go for work learn the business, and then start my own ad agency. Well things didn't exactly go as planned. My last semester in college, in fact the last class I needed for my major, this stupid kid, he wasn't even an advertising major. We were putting together an advertising campaign for a classical music concert, and I spent several days working on my part of the presentation, and he knocked half of it out with one delete key. He decided it was unnecessary and too long. I immediately decided that advertising and probably even corporate america wasn't for me, because if stepping on someone's toes like that was going to be part of it I just didn't want to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I did work in the ad business. But what I do regret is that I didn't go after my dreams because I was so consumed with worry about a job after college. In the long run it didn't matter, the jobs i've had didn't care what I majored in. I was so consumed about worrying about job and I didn't think about what I wanted to in life. So now my goal is to at some point write that great American novel. It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week. But I'll definetly do it at some point along my life's path.

My first blog

Being that this is my first blog here, I thinking that some background info would be a good idea. Basically I'm newly single, after seperating from my almost ex-husband a little less than a year again. Becoming single again after being married for over three years and in a relationship for seven was quite the adjustment to say the least.

But after almost a year I must say that i'm pretty happy with the adjustment. The relationship just wasn't meant to be, and I simply wasn't getting back what I put in. I just married the wrong man for me, and I'm glad that I found out now rather than later down the road.

The hardest part about being single again and now that I'm ready to start thinking about dating again is giving up independence. Because believe it or not even though I was married I was emotionally single for a long time. In way we were living more like roommates than husband and wife. It's gonna be hard for me to adjust in a relationship and give someone more than that. Which is totally ironic because that was one of the things that I craved most when I first accepted there were major problems with my marriage. I wanted that deep rooted connection, you know where someone knows what you are thinking with just a glance. Once I realized that I could never have that with him my marriage was over. Now that I'm single again I realize that will be one of the things I will struggle most with. ARGH!