New York Minute

Sometimes I think that Don Henley is right, everything does change in a New York minute. As the year draws to close, i still can believe there's only 5 days left to the year. This year flew by so quickly that it felt like a minute, and I can't believe how much my life has changed this year. I said at the beginning of the year that this was gonna be a year of sweeping life changes. It was the first time in a long time that I actually went through with one of my new year's resolutions. Usually I quit on the first or second day.

I guess what I realize as the year draws to close I realize I should give some thought to what I want to accomplish this year. I realize this past year I grew a lot on a emotional and personal level. I want to continue that, and this coming year I need to make a more conscious effort to achieve that. Last year it kinda just happened. Also, I've realized that I'm ready to move on and I think I'm finally ready to think about dating and perhaps even a relationship. I finally realized in order for that work I'm gonna have to be more emotional expressive to whoever I'm in a relationship with. It can be difficult for me at times because for so long I've been emotionally on my own. The ex never cared for me to be emotionally expressive, so I guess I just adapted and became very emotionally inward. It got to the point to where it just felt like it was the way it was supposed to be. But I think I'm finally ready that if it's the right person and they are willing to be a little patient with me. Actually I think it would be nice to finally be with someone that actually cares about my emotions.

A Change of Perspective Sometimes Changes Everything

One of the best things about living on my own this past year is that it gave me plenty of time for reflection. Looking back the worst thing I could have done was get involved in a relationship right away. For a long time I believed that my dissolved marriage would be looked down upon by anybody that I became involved in. I guess that was because for awhile I looked down on it myself.

I guess I thought it was pretty bad to be 29 and already have a failed marriage. I guess part of the reason I felt that way was because I realized the marriage was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, and that people would judge me for that. After all I was judging myself, so why wouldn't others. I felt like I had all this "baggage" from my divorce that I didn't want to dump on anyone else. But after seeing how nutsy most of my single friends are when it comes to relationships I realize a lot of my baggage is only in my own mind.

In fact I've realized, as funny as this sounds, that I probably have less baggage than most people that have never been married. After all after being in a long term relationship that didn't work out has taught me a lot about relationships and myself. I've realized what I want in a relationship, and from a person that I date. And now I know that I would never date someone who appreciate the things. Also I realize that I'm pretty catch because I'm finally mature enough to appreciate a man who does the little things. If I had never had my experiences with relationships I wouldn't be able to appreciate that. And I realize I'm finally ready to move on.

My Ideal Man, Revisited yet again

One of my guy friends recently made a list of his ideal women, so I decided to do the same for my ideal man.

1. Honest 2. Sincere 3. Loyal 4. Faithful 5. Intelligent not an Intellectual snob 6. A little bit goofy 7. Funny 8. Upbeat 9. Down-to-earth 10. Has a sweet tooth. After all I have a mouth full of them, he should have a couple too. And besides he must be able to appreciate my chocolate chip cookies. 11. GETS ME 12. Able to express emotions 13. Willing to clean my messes in the kitchen. (See above, flour gets all over the place) 14. Talkative -Don't get me wrong, I understand that dudes want to come home and chill in front of the tv and stare at espn for awhile. 15. Can keep up with my drinking ( and not with bud and coors light. what's the point of drinking beer that tastes like piss.) Oh and put up with my bad singing too after I get drunk. This may be the hardest one on the list I know. And also my frisky behavior after I've kicked back a few. 16. Secure enough to accept my adopted brothers. 17. Understands that a real man doesn't need to wear his machoness on his sleeve to be a real man. 18. Flexible - Is able to meet me halfway. 19 Self-confident (Read: Not cocky) - He should be comfortable with himself, and enough to know how to approach me. 19. Encourages my underwear obesession, and doesn't pick on me that I spend too much on them. 20. Is a backdoor Man (duh!) Have you seen my ass. Oh and gets the reference to the song not my ass. Actually he should get the reference about my ass too. 21. Has good hands - For massages you pervert, but for the other stuff it won't hurt either. 22. Likes to makes homemade pornos. I've never made one but I've always fantasied about it. 23. Reads this whole list and still isn't intimated by dating me. Oh and he also doesn't pick on my terrible spelling and grammer.

Acceptance Is the First Step

This weekend for the first time I accepted something about myself, that I've been in denial about for a long time. I've been burned and burned badly. Most people that know me and know about how my relationship ended, would probably go, duh. Even though I was the one that wanted out, i was still hurt. And maybe denying that I was burned was just a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about relationships.

I still believe there's this great love out there for me somewhere. That's what inspired me to call my marriage quits. I realized that I wanted something more from life, then when I first got married. I realized that I wanted the passion that makes your knees knock and gives you butterflies in your stomach. You knowthe kind of love where someone can look in your eyes and know exactly what you're thinking. And I realized I could never have that with the ex, and that is why I don't regret my decision to leave him and I never will. I know I'm a strange creature even though I've been so burned I'm still a hopeless romantic.

At first I thought I was scared of giving up myself, but I realize that was just me trying to run because I'm scared. But anything that is worth it is never easy, right? I guess I realized what I'm most afraid of is finding this great love, and then dumping them with all my past baggage and losing them. I guess if they really love me and they will understand. Besides doesn't everyone have their own personal baggage, that's what makes us human after all.

I guess for a long time it felt like I was on one of those revolving doors, and it was like spinning really fast and for some reason I couldn't slow it down. I think it was because I was afraid of what was on the other side of the door. Well I think the dizzness from all the spinning was starting to hurt my head, so I started to slow down and find my way out the door. And you know what I realized, it's so bad. And do you know what I'm surprised to realize, there's someone on the other side of the door standing there and I'm hoping they are there to grab me so I don't fall. Too bad I can't see who it is, their image is pretty fuzzy. I just hope he's not in another revolving door and will ready to catch me when I come out. And hopefully he's cute, oh and funny, and smart, and umm loyal too, did I say cute?

Sometimes I just can't figure myself out

Lately I've been approaching a fork in the road of my life. I've been approaching this fork faster and faster everyday. In the middle of this road there is a tree, and right now it feels like i'm about ready to fly into the middle of this tree looney toon style rather than pick a direction. I know that I should pick a path and choose one way or another, but for some reason I just can't. I know that which fork I choose will change the rest of my life. I think that's one of the reasons I'm afraid to make a decision. The other reason is that I think I'm afraid to be happy. I think it's because the last time I made a similar decision, in the end I was very unhappy and I got very hurt. I guess I'm afraid of the same thing happening again. Last time I was able to bounce back, but suppose this time I can't. That fear pulls me, and there's a large part of me willing to hit the middle of tree willy coyote style, and have the little birds and stars fly around my head. Maybe right now I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. However, what's starting to scare me more is the thought of this fear being the one thing that prevents me from trully being happy.

Sometimes You Just Have to Be You

I know it's a weird title, but it came to my head, so it must have a meaning. I'm sure it'll become clear by the end of blog, my titles usually do.

I guess lately I've been thinking about how stubborn I am. For whatever reason once I decide to do something I insist on seeing to it to it's conclusion, even if it's something that midway through I decide I don't want to do anymore. Like when I pick up a book and start it, no matter how horrible it turns out to be I must finish it. I know that doesn't seem such a bad thing, and it does turn out that most things I insist on finishing because I started I'm glad I see to the end. After all that's how I got through college, I know that's probably not totally good because it wasn't an enjoyable experience, but the one thing I learned the most from college was my strong sense of preservence. That was probably the most valuable thing I learned in school, and I didn't even realize it or appreciate until I just wrote it down. College was important to me because it was the first thing I finished and accomplished on my own as an adult. Within the last year or so that same stubborness has helped me a lot with some major decisions I have made in my life. Several times I thought about changing my mind but the fact that I'm so stubborn about once I start things once I start things is the one thing that has stopped me from changing my mind.

Surprising Reactions

If you've been reading my blogs you know that for the past week and a half i've been awaiting my walking papers in the mail. Everyday I would look in the mailbox and hope that they were there. Each day I would take the pile and look for the sign of them. Being that I've never received divorce papers (and hopefully never will again) I wasn't sure what to look for. Today after the usual day of being out and about I went and checked the mail. I went through the mail as I had for the past week or whatever you know that rapid peek you do when you are expecting something important. All the way at the bottom of the mailbox there was a relatively big, well not really that big, manila envelope.

I had a feeling that was it, but I wasn't sure until I saw there in the corner 125 Barclay st, the address of my attorney. Immediately I tore open the letter expecting a flood of emotion, not like sad but you know that feeling you know that part of your life has been completed that you can finally move on and do something else. It was weird all I felt was that it was so over a long time ago, this just made it legal.

The one thing that's kinda ironic is that the divorce papers came exactly one year from the day that Jim moved out. I guess it's kinda like coming full circle, well I guess not full circle, cause I guess full circle would be him moving back in. I guess it's more like an arch. Maybe that's the way it was just supposed to be. Who knows, all I know is that I'm happy it's completed, and that after a year it's great to move on from limbo. It's a great feeling to know that anything I do from now on won't be connected to Jim in any way.

I think it's great that the first thing will be the co-op that I'm buying him out of. I didn't know how enabling it would be to own something in my own name. Most people would say why would you want to purchase the apartment you shared with him. But to be honest it's been exhilariting experience to purchase the apartment and you wouldn't believe the ego boost I've gotten from purchasing him out. And besides I think I've always liked the apartment and was more attached to the apartment then him. Maybe it was always meant to be mine. I still remember the first time I walked into the apartment. The minute I walked into the apartment it just felt like home. I guess it was always meant to be mine.

Ahh It's now the time of the year for reflection

I find that the time of year from around Thanksgiving until after the holidays in January is always a time for intense reflection for me. Usually now I think about my personal goals that I set at the beginning of the year and how close I am to achieving them.

This year was the first time in a long time that I actually achieved my New Year's Resolutions. Rather than the usual boring resolutions of eat less and excercise more, I decided this would be a year of sweeping life changes in a positive direction for me. And that's exactly what happened. If you want something bad enough and you envision happening it will happen. Anyway back to my sweeping life changes since last January. My desire to change my life has helped me to lose 20 pounds, develop a lot more self-confidence which helped me to look and feel years younger. Start my own business, though I really didn't take it seriously until the last month or two.

The most siginificant and positive change in my life was getting a divorce. Someone told me that if the woman is the one to throw the man out it's very freeing and enpowering as a opposed to when the man wants it. I don't think it could be anymore true then it is in my case. I feel that my divorce rather than depress me or bring negativity to my life, it's built my self-confidence and taught me how to love myself again. I didn't trully realize how postive a change it was in my life until I found out my divorce was finalized earlier this week. It was a weird feeling to be totally exhilirated to actually be single again, but at same time feel a little guilty to not feel guilty that it's totally over.

My divorce as actually enpowered me to accept it's time to move on, and be open to new relationships. I'm not actually looking for it, but if one comes my way and it's the right person i'm willing to go for it. For the first time I'm really looking forward to dating and meeting new people. I think hearing that the divore was final, was what finally made it ok to move on. A couple of weeks ago I joined eharmony, but I wasn't comfortable to really to start emailing people on the website until the divorce was final. I guess I just needed that last push, i don't really think was really an emotional attachment, or even a mental attachment. Maybe it just can't be explained.

To blog or not to blog that is the question?

Disclaimer: As you probably already guessed by the title I have no clue what I'm about ready to blog about. I felt like blogging and my mind was drawing a blank as to a topic. I guess this is one of those stream of consciousness thingies.

Hmmm, I guess being that tomorrow is thanksgiving I should be reflecting upon my life and where it's headed, yadda, yadda, yadda. But it seems that I've been doing that a lot lately, and to be quite frank and honest it's starting to get a little old. I guess I could think about all things I'm grateful for in my life, but to be honest you really should do that everyday. If you wait for a holiday to be grateful for all the wonderful things in your life are you really every gonna be happy. If you don't think about what's wondeful and special in your life everyday you'll wind pretty miserable and negative. Maybe that's why there are so many unhappy people in the world. Maybe it's because they only wait for special days like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and other holidays to appreciate everything that is special in their lives. The only thing worse than that are the people that don't even reflect upon that on special holidays. Wow, even thinking about people like that makes my head hurt, I can't imagine if I actually thought that way myself. I never really was that bad myself, but I never really was one those people that appreciated the everyday greatness of just being alive and appreciating life. And I guess I realize that's what I appreciate the most about all this "reflecting" I've done this past year, is that I trully just love living life, now. I don't mean to sound all sappy and shit, but until it happened to me I didn't realize how important it is. But after all what is the point of being alive, if you don't trully love being alive. What would be the point? You would kinda just be a shell, another empty soul wandering the planet. After all don't all the people who go out there and really do great things love living life. How could you ever accomplish anything if you don't?

Sometimes You have to Be Careful What You Wish For

I'm starting to realize that there are reasons why they say you should be careful what you wish for. Growing up I was never really the type of girl that boys with throw themselves at and fawn over. In Junior high school and parts of high school I wasn't exactly a geek, but I wasn't one of the popular kids. I was one of the girls that didn't develop right way, growing up I related to the story of the ugly duckling. In junior high I had a mouth full of mental, and you know those big heavy plasic framed glasses (they didn't have the cool ones then that they have now). I've heard every short joke in the world. In high school I was one the guys, I would hear them talk about the girls in school they would gawk over the girls over the big chests. It was never me, in fact one of my guy friends used to call me A cup, for many years I was tramatized. In college I was not the girl that had dates lined up every friday and saturday night.

Needless to say for many years I wished to be the one that the guys will fall all over, you know stare out in the street, you know the woman that men would get into three car pile ups just to stare out. Now that I'm a little older, and more attractive ( though now that I think about it's probably just that I have a lot more self-confidence) it happens from time to time. Now I still haven't caused any three car pile ups, but often enough I catch them staring at me in that arkward way on the subway, the street or whatever. And I must say now that it happens from time to time I find it pretty it very disturbing which really surprised me at first. But then I just realized why, there are two main reasons, and they don't both apply to every guy. One reason is that some of these men see women as trophies, you can tell because they are the biggest gawkers and they are just staring at your boobs and i'm not big chested by any means. The second reason which I find very disturbing is that some men feel I would be unapproachable, which I just can't understand. I see myself as easy to talk to. And besides the little girl inside that was called A cup is just shocked by it all. So long story be careful what you wish for.

The Changing of the Seasons

One of the things I love most about the weather in New York is watching seasons change. It makes dealing with the hot summers and cold winters worth it. I appreciate it most now as I watch the last few leaves that are left change colors, and I know all we need is one more really big rainstorm and all the trees will be bare. Right now I'm thinking about all the great things about fall the way the leaves change color, and the way then crunch under your feet. Enjoying the last few days of nice weather before we after bundle up for the long stretch to thawing out in the spring. The scent of the fireplaces down the block on the first chilly night. That first taste of hot chocolate on the first cold evening. I miss when I was a little kid and I would jump in a big pile of leaves. I guess I could still do it, but I would feel pretty silly doing it.

Sometimes all it takes is one glance

Have you ever felt like someone touches the very essense of your soul with one look? All it takes is one intense glance and they can feel your thoughts. Without exchanging one word they can tell exactly what's on your mind, what your soul feels like, the pangs you feel in your heart. Sometimes you feel like they are connected to you in away you will never understand.

They can make your stomach flip flop, your heart race and your knees weak, and all they have to do is stand within 20 feet. That feeling is all you've always wanted from someone, but the thought of it there now scares the heck out of you. You wish you could reach out for it but fear grabs such a tight hold on you. Never before have you felt such an intense fear, fear of giving up part of your soul, your heart that you've never given before. For the first time you accept that what you thought was being in love wasn't, that it was being in love with love. Because you realize nobody's ever touched your very soul before. Never before have you had such an intense feeling of longing. Aching to touch someone, kiss them, no what it's like to be held in their arms.

hmmm reflections of life

Lately I have been doing lots of thinking, you know about life where I've been, done and where I am headed. I'm naturally a very introspective person, so if you are reading my blogs you'll be reading a lot of these types of blogs. Anyways I was just warning you because if you reading this because you've like randomly found while you bored and googling I figured I should let you know. And if that's true, god you need to get a life, I know i'm entertaining and witty and all that but still you really need to get a life.

Now that i've done lots of random rambling, let me ramble about what started this blog to ramble about. Anyway I was thinking about how lately I have become so obsessed with blogging, and I couldn't help but wonder why. I haven't written in a journal in ages. But I was looking back you know, i'm sure you've done it too, to back in high school and sometimes even in college. When I was bored in class I would start to write, back then I wanted to write the great american novel. I would always write about a page and then get disgusted and scratch it out and start over again. A couple of times a teacher caught me writing and thought I was doing the next day's homework or even homework for another class. I never corrected them thinking it was at least better thinking that I was being at least somewhat studious.

I never majored in writing in college, in fact I never really thought about it. I loved history and I thought about majoring in that but I didn't want to be a teacher and I wanted to focus more on something that could be better equipped for getting a job with. I wound up majoring in advertising in college, because I always love commericals. When I was a little kid I would love just as much to watch the saturday morning cereal and toy ads almost as much as the cartoons. As I got older I would watch superbowls for the programming, I never really could follow football, it wasn't that it was too hard to follow or anything like that, to me it just wasn't entaining as the commericals. Bud-weis-err was just better to me. Anyway there i go getting sidetracked again. Anyway I decided I would go for work learn the business, and then start my own ad agency. Well things didn't exactly go as planned. My last semester in college, in fact the last class I needed for my major, this stupid kid, he wasn't even an advertising major. We were putting together an advertising campaign for a classical music concert, and I spent several days working on my part of the presentation, and he knocked half of it out with one delete key. He decided it was unnecessary and too long. I immediately decided that advertising and probably even corporate america wasn't for me, because if stepping on someone's toes like that was going to be part of it I just didn't want to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm glad I did work in the ad business. But what I do regret is that I didn't go after my dreams because I was so consumed with worry about a job after college. In the long run it didn't matter, the jobs i've had didn't care what I majored in. I was so consumed about worrying about job and I didn't think about what I wanted to in life. So now my goal is to at some point write that great American novel. It may not be today, tomorrow, or next week. But I'll definetly do it at some point along my life's path.

My first blog

Being that this is my first blog here, I thinking that some background info would be a good idea. Basically I'm newly single, after seperating from my almost ex-husband a little less than a year again. Becoming single again after being married for over three years and in a relationship for seven was quite the adjustment to say the least.

But after almost a year I must say that i'm pretty happy with the adjustment. The relationship just wasn't meant to be, and I simply wasn't getting back what I put in. I just married the wrong man for me, and I'm glad that I found out now rather than later down the road.

The hardest part about being single again and now that I'm ready to start thinking about dating again is giving up independence. Because believe it or not even though I was married I was emotionally single for a long time. In way we were living more like roommates than husband and wife. It's gonna be hard for me to adjust in a relationship and give someone more than that. Which is totally ironic because that was one of the things that I craved most when I first accepted there were major problems with my marriage. I wanted that deep rooted connection, you know where someone knows what you are thinking with just a glance. Once I realized that I could never have that with him my marriage was over. Now that I'm single again I realize that will be one of the things I will struggle most with. ARGH!