New York Minute

Sometimes I think that Don Henley is right, everything does change in a New York minute. As the year draws to close, i still can believe there's only 5 days left to the year. This year flew by so quickly that it felt like a minute, and I can't believe how much my life has changed this year. I said at the beginning of the year that this was gonna be a year of sweeping life changes. It was the first time in a long time that I actually went through with one of my new year's resolutions. Usually I quit on the first or second day.

I guess what I realize as the year draws to close I realize I should give some thought to what I want to accomplish this year. I realize this past year I grew a lot on a emotional and personal level. I want to continue that, and this coming year I need to make a more conscious effort to achieve that. Last year it kinda just happened. Also, I've realized that I'm ready to move on and I think I'm finally ready to think about dating and perhaps even a relationship. I finally realized in order for that work I'm gonna have to be more emotional expressive to whoever I'm in a relationship with. It can be difficult for me at times because for so long I've been emotionally on my own. The ex never cared for me to be emotionally expressive, so I guess I just adapted and became very emotionally inward. It got to the point to where it just felt like it was the way it was supposed to be. But I think I'm finally ready that if it's the right person and they are willing to be a little patient with me. Actually I think it would be nice to finally be with someone that actually cares about my emotions.

A Change of Perspective Sometimes Changes Everything

One of the best things about living on my own this past year is that it gave me plenty of time for reflection. Looking back the worst thing I could have done was get involved in a relationship right away. For a long time I believed that my dissolved marriage would be looked down upon by anybody that I became involved in. I guess that was because for awhile I looked down on it myself.

I guess I thought it was pretty bad to be 29 and already have a failed marriage. I guess part of the reason I felt that way was because I realized the marriage was one of the biggest mistakes I made in my life, and that people would judge me for that. After all I was judging myself, so why wouldn't others. I felt like I had all this "baggage" from my divorce that I didn't want to dump on anyone else. But after seeing how nutsy most of my single friends are when it comes to relationships I realize a lot of my baggage is only in my own mind.

In fact I've realized, as funny as this sounds, that I probably have less baggage than most people that have never been married. After all after being in a long term relationship that didn't work out has taught me a lot about relationships and myself. I've realized what I want in a relationship, and from a person that I date. And now I know that I would never date someone who appreciate the things. Also I realize that I'm pretty catch because I'm finally mature enough to appreciate a man who does the little things. If I had never had my experiences with relationships I wouldn't be able to appreciate that. And I realize I'm finally ready to move on.

My Ideal Man, Revisited yet again

One of my guy friends recently made a list of his ideal women, so I decided to do the same for my ideal man.

1. Honest 2. Sincere 3. Loyal 4. Faithful 5. Intelligent not an Intellectual snob 6. A little bit goofy 7. Funny 8. Upbeat 9. Down-to-earth 10. Has a sweet tooth. After all I have a mouth full of them, he should have a couple too. And besides he must be able to appreciate my chocolate chip cookies. 11. GETS ME 12. Able to express emotions 13. Willing to clean my messes in the kitchen. (See above, flour gets all over the place) 14. Talkative -Don't get me wrong, I understand that dudes want to come home and chill in front of the tv and stare at espn for awhile. 15. Can keep up with my drinking ( and not with bud and coors light. what's the point of drinking beer that tastes like piss.) Oh and put up with my bad singing too after I get drunk. This may be the hardest one on the list I know. And also my frisky behavior after I've kicked back a few. 16. Secure enough to accept my adopted brothers. 17. Understands that a real man doesn't need to wear his machoness on his sleeve to be a real man. 18. Flexible - Is able to meet me halfway. 19 Self-confident (Read: Not cocky) - He should be comfortable with himself, and enough to know how to approach me. 19. Encourages my underwear obesession, and doesn't pick on me that I spend too much on them. 20. Is a backdoor Man (duh!) Have you seen my ass. Oh and gets the reference to the song not my ass. Actually he should get the reference about my ass too. 21. Has good hands - For massages you pervert, but for the other stuff it won't hurt either. 22. Likes to makes homemade pornos. I've never made one but I've always fantasied about it. 23. Reads this whole list and still isn't intimated by dating me. Oh and he also doesn't pick on my terrible spelling and grammer.

Acceptance Is the First Step

This weekend for the first time I accepted something about myself, that I've been in denial about for a long time. I've been burned and burned badly. Most people that know me and know about how my relationship ended, would probably go, duh. Even though I was the one that wanted out, i was still hurt. And maybe denying that I was burned was just a coping mechanism. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bitter about relationships.

I still believe there's this great love out there for me somewhere. That's what inspired me to call my marriage quits. I realized that I wanted something more from life, then when I first got married. I realized that I wanted the passion that makes your knees knock and gives you butterflies in your stomach. You knowthe kind of love where someone can look in your eyes and know exactly what you're thinking. And I realized I could never have that with the ex, and that is why I don't regret my decision to leave him and I never will. I know I'm a strange creature even though I've been so burned I'm still a hopeless romantic.

At first I thought I was scared of giving up myself, but I realize that was just me trying to run because I'm scared. But anything that is worth it is never easy, right? I guess I realized what I'm most afraid of is finding this great love, and then dumping them with all my past baggage and losing them. I guess if they really love me and they will understand. Besides doesn't everyone have their own personal baggage, that's what makes us human after all.

I guess for a long time it felt like I was on one of those revolving doors, and it was like spinning really fast and for some reason I couldn't slow it down. I think it was because I was afraid of what was on the other side of the door. Well I think the dizzness from all the spinning was starting to hurt my head, so I started to slow down and find my way out the door. And you know what I realized, it's so bad. And do you know what I'm surprised to realize, there's someone on the other side of the door standing there and I'm hoping they are there to grab me so I don't fall. Too bad I can't see who it is, their image is pretty fuzzy. I just hope he's not in another revolving door and will ready to catch me when I come out. And hopefully he's cute, oh and funny, and smart, and umm loyal too, did I say cute?

Sometimes I just can't figure myself out

Lately I've been approaching a fork in the road of my life. I've been approaching this fork faster and faster everyday. In the middle of this road there is a tree, and right now it feels like i'm about ready to fly into the middle of this tree looney toon style rather than pick a direction. I know that I should pick a path and choose one way or another, but for some reason I just can't. I know that which fork I choose will change the rest of my life. I think that's one of the reasons I'm afraid to make a decision. The other reason is that I think I'm afraid to be happy. I think it's because the last time I made a similar decision, in the end I was very unhappy and I got very hurt. I guess I'm afraid of the same thing happening again. Last time I was able to bounce back, but suppose this time I can't. That fear pulls me, and there's a large part of me willing to hit the middle of tree willy coyote style, and have the little birds and stars fly around my head. Maybe right now I'm just trying to protect myself from getting hurt again. However, what's starting to scare me more is the thought of this fear being the one thing that prevents me from trully being happy.

Sometimes You Just Have to Be You

I know it's a weird title, but it came to my head, so it must have a meaning. I'm sure it'll become clear by the end of blog, my titles usually do.

I guess lately I've been thinking about how stubborn I am. For whatever reason once I decide to do something I insist on seeing to it to it's conclusion, even if it's something that midway through I decide I don't want to do anymore. Like when I pick up a book and start it, no matter how horrible it turns out to be I must finish it. I know that doesn't seem such a bad thing, and it does turn out that most things I insist on finishing because I started I'm glad I see to the end. After all that's how I got through college, I know that's probably not totally good because it wasn't an enjoyable experience, but the one thing I learned the most from college was my strong sense of preservence. That was probably the most valuable thing I learned in school, and I didn't even realize it or appreciate until I just wrote it down. College was important to me because it was the first thing I finished and accomplished on my own as an adult. Within the last year or so that same stubborness has helped me a lot with some major decisions I have made in my life. Several times I thought about changing my mind but the fact that I'm so stubborn about once I start things once I start things is the one thing that has stopped me from changing my mind.

Surprising Reactions

If you've been reading my blogs you know that for the past week and a half i've been awaiting my walking papers in the mail. Everyday I would look in the mailbox and hope that they were there. Each day I would take the pile and look for the sign of them. Being that I've never received divorce papers (and hopefully never will again) I wasn't sure what to look for. Today after the usual day of being out and about I went and checked the mail. I went through the mail as I had for the past week or whatever you know that rapid peek you do when you are expecting something important. All the way at the bottom of the mailbox there was a relatively big, well not really that big, manila envelope.

I had a feeling that was it, but I wasn't sure until I saw there in the corner 125 Barclay st, the address of my attorney. Immediately I tore open the letter expecting a flood of emotion, not like sad but you know that feeling you know that part of your life has been completed that you can finally move on and do something else. It was weird all I felt was that it was so over a long time ago, this just made it legal.

The one thing that's kinda ironic is that the divorce papers came exactly one year from the day that Jim moved out. I guess it's kinda like coming full circle, well I guess not full circle, cause I guess full circle would be him moving back in. I guess it's more like an arch. Maybe that's the way it was just supposed to be. Who knows, all I know is that I'm happy it's completed, and that after a year it's great to move on from limbo. It's a great feeling to know that anything I do from now on won't be connected to Jim in any way.

I think it's great that the first thing will be the co-op that I'm buying him out of. I didn't know how enabling it would be to own something in my own name. Most people would say why would you want to purchase the apartment you shared with him. But to be honest it's been exhilariting experience to purchase the apartment and you wouldn't believe the ego boost I've gotten from purchasing him out. And besides I think I've always liked the apartment and was more attached to the apartment then him. Maybe it was always meant to be mine. I still remember the first time I walked into the apartment. The minute I walked into the apartment it just felt like home. I guess it was always meant to be mine.